If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Selfie
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*seductively corrects your posture*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real