let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You Might Also Like
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
2 years later
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?