The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
The Friday File.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”