If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports