When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
You Might Also Like
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.