I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”