Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
You Might Also Like
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
This is a true ally.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.