Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes