Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Cashiers are always checking me out
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.