Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
New menu item
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Brother?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”