Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit