“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
May never get over this
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.