Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
😂🤣😂🤣
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.