printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question