I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
You Might Also Like
Grandmother clock.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Tier 3 meme
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.