When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
my dad has had enough
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.