Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Something Saturday.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.