All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Everyone’s family
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
WWE is French for “yes”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.