multitasking lunch
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.