Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me