Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Pandas 🐼🖤
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word