Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
You Might Also Like
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
this has done me in for some reason
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold