Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.