Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
three things we don’t talk about
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.