If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
*weighs self after shaving
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”