GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.