Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Jesus Christ lmao
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.