My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
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“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.