kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
called in thicc to work this morning
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me