Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Britain be like
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs