Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Hamburger Hinderer.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
congratulations to them
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I can’t be the only one 😂
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive