i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died