After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?