Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason