damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
This anagram machine is out of order.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.