today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.