I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The USS B port
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house