WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Oh my God.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.