If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁