I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You Might Also Like
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”