That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Jogging
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Bill is short for Billiam
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.