“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.