Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..