Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Room with a view.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough