My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
This checks out
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.