“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
All food is good if you spell it wrong
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).