her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”