Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Put the is in disheveled
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
wait.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.