Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then