It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream